Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
