Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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