found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
