Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
