Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
