There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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