I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
