I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Randomize
