Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
