woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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