What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
