If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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