i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
