The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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