I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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