dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
