My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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