im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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