I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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