Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
