They should really pass out barf bags in church
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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