break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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