she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
