it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
