Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
