What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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