Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
