I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
