She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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