so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You're a waste of cheezeits
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
