I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
