You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
