She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
