I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
