I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
