I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
