I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We had to coat check the pizza.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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