You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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