You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
it was like eating out sand paper
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN