Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
