Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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