I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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