6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
