i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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