tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
