I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
why do cheetos always look like penises
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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