i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
