I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
