god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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