We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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