I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
