32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
