my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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