It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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