Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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