i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need to sanitize my soul.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
